How being a candidate on The Apprentice made me the most confident I’ve ever been, despite nearly breaking me during the process.

Thanks for all the messages, yes, the new season of the show began last week! I can’t believe it was my time with Lord Shugs in that boardroom 2 years ago! My favourite moment is still my boardroom entrance when I had that banter with Lord Sugar and Claude. PS, why weren’t we the ones to start in safari in South Africa? In my series we were stuck in London making burgers at the crack of dawn, the budgets must be doing better

I found this snap of me as an Apprentice to-be. My God I remember all the emotions: sick, scared, excited and my stomach would not stop rumbling. This was the last photo before I surrendered my phone and climbed into the black hole of reality TV. I look back now and realise that although I had nerves, I also had an ego about me. I thought that I had been through so much. I felt I had full life experience at the grand age of 36 years old. I’d lost my father to a gruelling terminal illness, and my Mum and sister had moved to Vancouver after he passed. I booked myself into therapy for 8 years. I’d burnt my whole body out in 2009 after the diagnosis of a chronic illness and learnt to manage the symptoms. I’d had my own PR consultancy since 2008 and was running a successful fashion PR agency in London. I had worked with all sorts of people. I thought the process would be a cake walk.

What I hadn’t prepared for was the gameshow, back-stabbing, and hyper-unreal-scenarios. When I’ve run any of my businesses, I know it’s all about my team and collaboration. So the out-for-yourself mentality within the team was the antithesis of how I’ve always worked. I also did not prepare for the total lack of support. It felt the worst without friends, my husband, my family and not a soul who had my back. It was a brutal process, being played off against each other in the house and relationships felt fraught. I did feel very alone. I did have a couple of moments with some of the candidates where I did feel some support, but it felt very transient. 😶

The night before I got fired I was already asking the house producers for a therapist. I felt completely broken down. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I didn’t realise how worn down I had become by not being heard. I had literally lost my voice in there and it seemed as though the more I was shoved down, the more I started to believe it. Which is wholly unlike me IRL for anyone who has met me. It highlighted to me that without my friends, family, the kindness of strangers and my own space, I crumble. 😑

It took me a good while to pick myself up afterwards. I had never experienced anything quite like it. However, I am also so thankful to have gone through the process itself. It was one of the most challenging things I have ever done and I’m proud to have participated. Honestly, the most painful thing was suffering an ego death. I was totally humbled. I realised how much I still had to learn, how I needed to improve my sense and strength of self and step into my power.

I realised that I cared too much when I was in there. I kept worrying about looking like a complete dick on national telly. I should’ve let it go because I totally did look like an absolute dick on national telly several times and I didn’t die. I survived it. And now I can laugh at how precious I was about myself.

I mean who really cares? It was an entertainment show too and I definitely served some of that! Also, I still get recognised now from people who only have lovely things to say about my participation. I only wish I’d had the strength and belief in myself that I cultivated from having gone through the show, then. But hey, that’s the gift of hindsight for you! 😻

This is the main reason why I have been so open of late in posting and speaking my truth. I suppressed my voice and I never want to do this disservice to myself again. So even if no-one likes what I have to say, I actually genuinely don’t care anymore. I’m encouraging those of you that feel I’m too much or triggering to unfriend me or block me as this isn’t going to stop any time soon! 

All I care for is the people that want to walk alongside me, who understand me, you know the vibe - my ride or die kinda people. After having the life experiences I have to date, I know I still have so much more to learn. However, I’ve finally found my voice and I’m damn well going to use it. 👊🏽